Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On average, my tweets demonstrate I’m probably good at something else

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?

HIM: Beers

ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.

My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports

T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.

T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?

T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?

Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…

Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.

Discuss.

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*

gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializing

father reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

somewhere, in an alternate universe

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.

Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant