Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.

I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.

Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.

next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart

Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun

My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.

No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.

i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it

Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

If both kids are screaming….

….both kids are alive.

It’s science

Me: I’m going to eat healthier.

My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?

Mom: I HEARD UR SICK
Me: just a cold
Mom: U HAVE THE ZIKA
M: no I-
Mom: OH GOD IT’S ZIKA
M: mom-
Mom: I TRIED TO RAISE U RIGHT
M: wait, what

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?

My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.

Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.

pep talk

PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?

SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.

Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.

I know that now…

*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says

Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.

“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”

*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.