Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet

ME: [drives past turn]

SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]

I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.

Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.

cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong

superman: lmao they’re not on wrong

cop:

superman: wait is this wrong

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car

Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋

It’s not a real Sylvester Stallone movie unless there’s ten minutes of dialogue in the beginning, five minutes at the end, and less than three sentences throughout the rest of the film.

Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore

i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head

Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.

The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…

Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it

Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.