Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.

I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!

“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”

Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.

The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”

[terrible nursing home]

Old guy: How did you end up here?

Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.

Him: *gasps* You monster.

My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.

i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.

me: can i buy you a drink?

her: i’m getting married at 5

me: cool so we have 2 hours

ME: I’d like to return this

CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?

ME: I bought it here

CLERK: At Old Navy?

ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!

CLERK:

ME: Store credit, then?

Me: But what will I eat?

Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*

Me:

Nutritionist:

Me: But what will I eat?

ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?

— my kid on a Saturday

I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.

If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.

It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.