My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
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I’m not stressed
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Y’all why did I join a Black and Queer meeting… I thought you could be one or the other. The ice breaker was going around the room asking about your queer awakening…
I had to tell them I was just here because I’m Black 😭 I’m so embarrassed
Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.