Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game

ME: so crying is competitive now?!

Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

🐠

AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.

The internet is full of many things

*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson

If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.

My what?

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

[heaven’s IT department]

Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?

God: Yes, why?

Too many open windows

Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it

I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.

Oh.

Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret

centipede: *gets down on one knee*

girlfriend: omg

centipede: *puts down second knee*

girlfriend: uhm…okay

centipede: *puts down third knee*

girlfriend: please stop

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.

The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.

I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me