My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
i think we should see other cousins
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
been hearing a lot of friends say they’re planning on avoiding the internet tomorrow. not me! it’s gonna be christmas morning for hall of fame bad posts on here. we’re talking takes so bafflingly stupid we can’t even imagine. and i need them all beamed directly into my brain.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
how to exercise your calf muscles
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
