My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
66% of Canadians were unimpressed with “The Revenant”, or as it’s known in Canada, “Pretty Average Day”
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
A new study shows that mussels are changing as the ocean warms. Hopefully they’re changing to be garlic & butter-flavoured.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
eating beef jerky and thinking that cow probably shoulda drank more water
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
