Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already

I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies

[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed

My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.

[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.

I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.

Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father

“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”

Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*

Santa: *deep sigh*

Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Covid?

S: *shakes head*

MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?

S: *nods vigorously*

I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.

Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem

My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.

“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”

The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.