My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
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People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what
In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots