Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.

Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.

Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”

Me: “Wait, what do they say?”

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.

[first day at the cia]

supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.

me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.

‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.

doctor: what’s wrong?

me: nobody can tell the time anymore

doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock

Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.

I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.

And that’s how the fight started.

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page

I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

Damn, this hole is wet

*I say right after stepping into a puddle

The good news: She actually gave me her number

The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away

(pouring whiskey)

Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?

Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.

Wife:

Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.