Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.

Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”

With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull

Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon

I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday

Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve

Better “copulate” than “copunever.”

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge

I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

Stay in school, kids.

No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.

Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.

KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.