Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?

no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.

In the 1970s my father stole a piece of an Irish castle. Mum was horrified and hid the column under the bed. Forty years later, to the great pleasure of the castle museum curator, she returned it. After she died, we found pictures showing she returned it to the wrong castle.

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.

For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.

That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod

Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.

*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?

[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]

30 seconds later…

Kid: Look mom fur angels

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

Live Photos capturing Matilda the sheep being an absolute attention hog 😂😂

I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.

Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.

Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..