My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
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I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Thinking about Jeff
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair