@dafloydsta

My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?

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@GrantTanaka

cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?

@LurkAtHomeMom

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

@joeljeffrey

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

@Iwriteforcats

[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.

@skittle624

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

@lolacoaster

Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor

@ConanOBrien

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

@TweetsByKaylee

kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum

mom: who?

kid: grandma. she’s coming back

mom: honey grandma died years ago

[urn falls off mantle]

mom: get the—

kid: —vacuum?

@9g7d7

If u dating Hillary Clinton you single to me what’s she gonna do kill m