My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
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my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I grew up in a time where your mother’s saliva was the most powerful cleaning agent around.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
her voice was as silky as silken tofu. but her words were as firm as extra firm tofu
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.