My 5 y/o just pooped teal. I asked what she ate and she said, I hid in the pantry yesterday and ate all the blue sprinkles in the shaker. FFS
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me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
There are so many tornados in Ohio, the state bird is lawn furniture