Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”

yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick

Midwest trash talk

Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.

Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.

[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”

Me: it’s bed time!

My kids: PARKOUR!

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

Very proud of my HOA community. A Karen took a picture of home & posted it to the community FB group saying she didn’t like the color they painted it & she shouldn’t be forced to look at it, was reporting it to the HOA. Everyone banded together to criticize her & now she’s moving

*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.

I need a hobby so I think I’m
gonna start calling the phone numbers on missing cat posters and just “meow” at whoever answers

I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

That lamp looks PISSED.

*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*

Wife: OMG, Are you OK?

Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!

Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.

Me: Wait, What??

I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.

Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me

Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.