Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re doing a “show your pets on zoom” thing for our work meeting. Taking my laptop under my bed so the writhing knot of silverfish can say hi.

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

Hot singles in your area are eating chili.

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan

Wife: ” What’d you do today?”

Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”

Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate

My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?

Me: An uber haha

Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!

Couples Therapist: Yes

Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed

me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic

AAA: sir this is triple A

me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake

My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

Wolf: [in sheep’s clothing] let me in

Pig: nope

Wolf: [walking away] this costume sucks

I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.

Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?

He really should be.

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat

The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.

being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

Hot Panini is in big trouble

[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen

I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry