My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
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WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.