My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
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11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Breaking news:
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
me: hey your birthday is one day away
6yo: we just call that tomorrow
me:
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on