Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait

If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.

“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

😆

Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall

My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.

Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.

My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*

She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones

What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.

me: hey have you seen my keys?

patient I just operated on: no

me: go like this *wiggles*

5: mom, are you a grown up?

me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?

5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?

I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.

If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.

No way!

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.

[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”

Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.

Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”

Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?

Him: you’re so cool

Me: thanks

Him: …and aloof

Me: thanks

Him: it’s like you were raised by cats

Me: *licks his face* huh?

My warrants are pretty outstanding.