Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.

This may be my favorite dog video ever.

11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”

The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.

me:

professor x: yes, i can read minds

me:

professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one

[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later

[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies

Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.

My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”

my dad when a sex scene comes on

Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.

Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.

Typos are dangerous, you guys.

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.

No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed

i hate you platonically

[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:

Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house

(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”

PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS

FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE

I yelled at my gynecologist

Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin

When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.