My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
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my one true gender
I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too
I only eat vegetarians.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
me: hi do you take walk ins?
funeral parlor director: what?
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
