Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys

[in class]

Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!

Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*

Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?

Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.

The British sentence that is never complete:

“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking

me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts

cop: no I’m just high—wait a second

me: too late ur under arrest

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

[debate]

ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not

I have taken up painting

My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.

Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”

People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save

“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”

“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”

“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”

I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.

More people would get the booster if it came with fries.

mobster: *choking me with garrote*

me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol

My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.

My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.