My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
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Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
How soon into a new relationship should you let her know you’re an idiot
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️