My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
You Might Also Like
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
It’s always “Why aren’t you married yet?” And never “I have an old rich friend on the verge of death I’d like to introduce you to.”
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.