My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
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My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
No one approached me–a reliable stranger–to take a picture of their family yesterday. Could’ve been the eye patch
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Salad is the decaf of food.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!