My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
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Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
How actors in movies eat their food
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
This is I, Robot all over again
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
If we run out of candy, I’m passing out Taco Bell sauce packets. Don’t worry, they’re mild or I would’ve eaten them by now.
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.