Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What

Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.

[taking a walk with mom]

Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*

Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.

[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]

I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.

He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go

I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…

I bought my wife a fridge for Christmas.
I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”

girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid

wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at

HISTORIAN: So the important thing to remember is Ted Bundy was a horrific serial killer.

PRODUCER: Right. Also incredibly hot.

HISTORIAN: Really, just, try to focus on how he was a homicidal monster.

PRODUCER: Yeah, total smoke show, we’re on the same page.

People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right

Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.

1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”

2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”

[pulled over]

Cop: Have you been drinking?

Me: No

Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on

Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.

Millennials: we share all of our feelings.

Gen X: feelings?

Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho

Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*

I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.

Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”

I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.