[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
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Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
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Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
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Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
You’re so vain. You probably think me being in this tree outside your house is about you.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
me: will i go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
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I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!