My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
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Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Her: Our youngest is 98 months.
Me: What’s that in human people years?
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
💀💀💀💀
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
(HR hovering over my desk, glaring at my awesome fat 70s tie with a crisp double Windsor knot)
Me: omg now what
HR: shirts aren’t optional
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
What do you call someone who chews all day?
A train
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.