My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
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Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
me: how do you say one in Spanish anyway
them: uno
me: no i don’t
Deleting contacts from my phone is like getting rid of jeans that I delusionally think I’ll be able to fit again–
–what if I need to call my old Dairy Queen manager from high school about an important life dilemma? What if?!
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Each time I type “love you,” my phone changes you to Roy. So, I just want to say…Roy if you’re out there, make yourself known, because my phone has a mad crush on ya.