Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [takes bite of PBJ sandwich]

6yo: Mommmm! Don’t eat my lunch!

Me: [giggles] I’m just testing it first to make sure there’s no poison!

6yo: yeah ri-

Me: [collapses]

I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.

Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.

A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!

Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

Zero pick pocket attempts in europe so far. Do my pockets not look abundant? Am I not immersed in the moment? Humiliating.

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight

How to pick up a girl in a club:

1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff

If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!

#labordayweekend

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.

gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

I had sex once and once was enough

Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.