My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
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Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman