My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
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My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.
When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
Natural selection at its finest
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
“What?”
– Jude
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
A couple who are silly together stay together.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years