My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Me: Do you have a Summer menu?
Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.
Me:
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
At her bday brunch, Mom told the waitress last time she had a Bloody Mary at this place it was terrible. So the waitress said, “And it still will be”. So she had 3 glasses of champagne instead.
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
The exchange I heard between my 4 year old and my husband when an ad popped up on her tablet. 4 yo: Can I have this? Husband: No, you can’t have an online Bachelor’s Degree in Nursing
