My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Crafting will have you running around your neighborhood fighting with the local retrievers over the best sticks. i can growl too you lil mfers, i need them for my pagan stick art
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…
ever thought about centaurs and how the bottom half would start walking immediately after birth but the top part would be baby like and flop around for a while.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
