my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
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Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
“If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you-“
*interrupting* haha, he said prick
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Important reminders
