my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
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Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
#Caturday
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
gm
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.
I’m ex-static!
#DadJoke
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.