my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
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Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah