My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
You Might Also Like
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
i thought i was being cool by telling a young barista that her t-shirt had my friend’s band on it, and she said, “oh i really respect the older generation”
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not