My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
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My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Mmmm canned fish.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
The internet is undefeated.. 😂