Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?

Me: A shrink ray.

Smallie Smalls: Did it work?

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT

I always listen to podcasts while I’m cleaning my house. Even the dullest chore can be enjoyable if you clean your house at the same time.

The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.

WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?

India’s tiger population is up 30%!

me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside

English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language

Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password

You’re welcome

I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.