My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
You Might Also Like
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
sweet dreams💖
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
no exceptions
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
Clients after you give them your rates
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman