My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
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Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Doctor: You need to cut out orange juice in the morning.
Me: Because of all the sugar?
D: No, because of all the champagne.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
put ‘er there pardner!
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.