Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two

[seductively takes off mom jeans]

Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—

Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]

Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.

Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”

Toddlers don’t GAF.

COMPUTER: Your password has expired.

ME: So it’s a passéword.

My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”

I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

date: omg !!!!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.

White border agent = Vanilla Ice

This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”

Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked

How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

her: your frog jokes are terrible

me: so i’ve been toad, jen

me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*

flight attendant: STOP THAT

soft pretzels only come 2 ways:

– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm

My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17

you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no

I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.

[at the pearly gates]

I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.

“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

Liking bad movies is silly and endearing but liking bad music is grounds for euthanasia