My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
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Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
I have some bad news about people who work in offices
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME