Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

[adds another nod to the conversation]

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??

Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.

I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here

Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.

*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.

The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.

Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?

Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility

that they were seeing Space Jam.

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

#Caturday

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

“Today is chest and leg day!”

-me, ordering at KFC

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine

sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me

Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)

How about your kid?

Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.

the noise i just made

You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream