My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
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To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.