Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!

[brainstorming movie scripts]

writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-

stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress

If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor

Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.

Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?

No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks

Bees: why are all the humans disappearing

“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”

This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..

This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available

Me: Go wake up your mother.

Son: No way man…no way.

Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

for all #parents out there

I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.

got so much cardio in today

The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.