Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”

– Canadian Dirty Talk

this makes me so uncomfortable

The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.

This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.

Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.

Emmy: That’s cool.

Oscar: Wow, interesting.

Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food

Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.

My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.

Yeah….I don’t know either.

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?

Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.

20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

💀💀

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.

Not helping

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

smart people are like huskies

if you don’t give them an interesting problem, they become an interesting problem

What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.

“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator

“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”

When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.