Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?

Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”

Kid bunny: ok

Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots

If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college

As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…

Me: I need a four-letter word for identical

Her: same

Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus

Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

Friend: wow you can actually sing!

Me at 2 beers: lol stfu

Me at 9 beers: we are a band now

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free

professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-

me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it

professor: okay there is one stupid question

anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.

“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”

-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater

“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”

Confusing my 12 year old..

12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?

Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!

12: So???

Me: I don’t wanna get wet…

12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!

it’s a van. how do they not know this

Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good one

Mouth: Haven gice done

Siri: Retweet me.

If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.

Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”

I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.

me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap

executioner: coming right up