Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.

Me: “I-N-V-U-“

Judge: I am pretty awesome.

*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…

Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?

Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome

NOBODY:

AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*

I saved a ton of money by eating all my groceries before getting to the register.

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio

10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool

What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total

if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water

mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.