Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her

Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.

me *breaking the fourth wall*

architect: oh no

still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”

Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.

Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready

The same kid right beside me:

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread

They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon

Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please

Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir

The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.

My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

superman: nice car does it have gps

batman: no

superman: then how do you know where you’re going

batman: *starts screaming*

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.

To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week

All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.

Me: what’s this fee?

Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.

Me: ok

Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that

Me: do you know how money works?

5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.

7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.

I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

Cashier: you’re 8 cents short

Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide

Cashier: no

Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now