My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
You Might Also Like
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
oh, you’re in a situationship?
are you the one with commitment issues or the one with low self worth?