My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
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[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.