My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
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The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.