@XplodingUnicorn

My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.

At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.

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@snarkymomtobe

My toddler just told me he was going in my room, but not doing anything bad, so don’t come in here and I’m not suspicious at all

@IanDunt

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.

@NapVeg

god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]

@patnspankme

Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…

@bonehugsnirony

Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army

@McInappropriate

she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza

@stephenjmolloy

[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”

@liveluvlaugh65

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

@McClaneJohn2

Popcorn is great if you want to eat 100 of something and still be hungry.

@SufficientCharm

The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.