My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
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[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
anyone else like Italian cereal
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
I’ve had worse
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Golf would be better with landmines.
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am