My toddler just told me he was going in my room, but not doing anything bad, so don’t come in here and I’m not suspicious at all
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
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So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
god: men, do u want pockets?
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
god: lmao no
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Me:  next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me:  next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Popcorn is great if you want to eat 100 of something and still be hungry.
The easiest way to confuse a man is to wear a straight jacket that accentuates your cleavage.