My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
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The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
Eve: I got an Apple.
Adam: …
Eve: …
Adam: …
Eve: What?
Adam: I thought we’d decided on Android.
Eve: The serpent said this was better.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.