Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]

“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”

My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.

[commercial for gymnastics]

Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.

It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery

scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery

Them: are you busy right now

Me: (just laid down) yes

JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there

Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*

“It says here you ran a marathon?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”

last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great

The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him

If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.

[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

A leaf blower, but for people.

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

(True)

Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.

Pro tip for my good boys out there

that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.