My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
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If we all club together we could raise enough money to buy Monday and have it destroyed.
No chill.
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
So rude to come up with solutions to my excuses
SF is the wild wild west man
