My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
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It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
why isn’t he texting back
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Dua Lipa is a fantastic singer AND Mario’s advice to Luigi when he wants to get on a slightly higher platform
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
SON: Can horses run in the Olympics?
DAD: Wouldn’t be fair
SON: Why not?
DAD: [hand on son’s shoulder]
Usain Bolt is just too fast, buddy
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.