Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

“Hi, I have an appoint-“

“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.

Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?

No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.

Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*

[repeat ad infinitum]

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat

Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.

Was bored so Applied for a dentist job at some clinic. I have an interview this week😭
I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO MED SCHOOL😭

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks

Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.

Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?

ROFLMFAO!

JK! Lolz

Ttyl KK

Ur BFF,

Hannibal

~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages

Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.

Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.

2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.

2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.

Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.