My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
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Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Maths meets science
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
life finds a way
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.