My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
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I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Ikea is like the Hotel California of furniture stores
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k