My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
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microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
an airline just for babies.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
If you go back in time to 2009 and tell anyone Daniel Radcliffe & Jonathan Groff would become Tony winning besties they would probably be like “Wow 2024 is a magical place” & then you’d have to be like “Nah that’s like the one good thing.”
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.