Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?

Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”

Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.

‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.

There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars

My daughter is so critical…

“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”

Modest Mouse: Float On

Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On

ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.

Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.

Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?

Me: Because you’re also a wreck.

This is my emotional support Jurassic Park Burger King watch

When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find

Lucky for them, they’re cute

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*

Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*

Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?

Husband: Huh?

Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?

Husband: What?

Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?

Husband:

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

me: what’s the weather today

weatherman: party sunny

me: and tomorrow?

weatherman: partly cloudy

me: what’s the difference

weatherman:

me:

weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much

[a red dot appears on my forehead]

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

[slips the bus driver £20]

“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.