Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words

Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay

Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.

stop it stop it don’t cook him stop

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.

Freezing cake does not impede eating.

Stiff calories are still delicious.

[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”

U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH

“No, Frank, at the stake”

[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.

My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge

Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat

[gym]

Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.

Me: oh

[husband reaching for me in bed]

me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

At Walmart during the holidays like..

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.

Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.

I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?