My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
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Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
the lady who waxes my eyebrows asked me what my favorite local hot dog places are and i got so animated she had to stop working for a second
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Guys which shade of gery should I get
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.