Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
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Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?