my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
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me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.