my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
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My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Camping tip: No.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work. The dog probably just thinks,
“Awesome, now we’re both barking.”
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
My first son he is wonderful
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes