Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: i knew you’d pull through

drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man

I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict

My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.

What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?

– inventor of the roller coaster

I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.

I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.

Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.

“Can I copy your homework?”

“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”

“Ok.”

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

Oops

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting

My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.

mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally

[Calling concert venues across the country]

Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly

oh u like geography? name every lake

it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund

I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.