my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
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[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
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me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
My birthstone is kidney
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
I know a mortician with such a casual approach to his work he uses informaldehyde
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you