Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

not to brag, but mine was free

Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.

What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope

“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”

I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.

Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.

I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.

Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.

I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*

“You get 2 wishes.”

I wish I got 3 wishes.

“Your wish is granted.”

Nice, nice.

“You have 2 left.”

Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done

E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.

It’s not you.

Just the things you say, think, and do.

Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?

Me: I was thinking cremation.

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.

shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit

cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”