My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
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Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
*deep inhale*
YOU TELLIN ME A GAR LICKED THIS BREAD!?!?!?!???!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
Cyber Monday has become too commercialized
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.