My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
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Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid
Good dog. ❤️
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”