Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at parent-teacher night]

Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, too

Me: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*

ME: should we give it a dry rub

CORONER: get out

Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.

[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]

[rubs Genie bottle]

“can you hook me up with some wifi?”

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

Me: Table for 1.

Host: Just 1?

Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?

4: The baby has a lot of skin!

Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…

4:

Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….

4:

Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.

photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one

Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?

It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.

“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”

I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.

He’s Dead.

Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?

(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!

You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”

ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head

Wait for it…

This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.

It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.

My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??